My First Christmas without Mom

Sadly, I am feeling disconnected from my passion. I feel sad – just very, very sad! This is my first Christmas since Mom passed. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought of it at all, but all of a sudden, I became aware of a certain heaviness in my soul that I realized was nothing more, nothing less than a soul-deep sadness. I  simply miss  Mom!!!

I miss knowing that I can pick up the phone and hear her voice. I miss just knowing that she’s sitting in her chair at home. I miss being able to consult some cooking question with her!! I miss her laughter and her sense of humor!! I miss so many things about her!!

I wish she had taught me how to make my eyes twinkle! She knew how to do it and it never failed to tickle me when I saw her twinkle her eyes! I wonder… is that something you can learn or are you born with it? Nana, Mom, and her sisters all knew how to twinkle their eyes. I wish I knew how, too!!

I will choose to think of Mom looking down on me and loving me. When I see the stars twinkling in the inky black, winter, nighttime sky, I choose to think that they’re all Mom – watching over me, accompanying me as I go about my day-to-day!!

I miss you, Mom!! I love you!! I am forever grateful for all that you taught me and gave me!! I am proud to be your daughter and I know that you are proud of me!! May you forever rest in the peace you so deserve and may you twinkle your eyes down on me forever as a sign of your unfailing, forgiving love!!

I feel better already!!!

[Special thanks to sister Judy for sharing this picture with me!! This was the last sunrise that Mom enjoyed.]a-winter-sunrise


If I Close My Eyes and Open My Heart

If I close my eyes and open my heart, what will I see? Will I see the color of your skin, hair, or eyes? Will I see your religion or gender? Will I see your sexual orientation or your political stance on relevant issues? Will I see how much you weigh or how much money you earn?

I think that if I close my eyes and open my heart, I will see someone who is not so different from me — someone who seeks to be seen, heard, felt, loved, accepted; who knows tons of things in their head, but even more in their heart; someone whose heart can be broken by a cruel word or look and mended by a kind word or deed.

We all know that we have infinitely more in common than differences, yet too often we choose to focus on what makes us different, rather than what makes us the same. Yes, we are all unique — that’s right, even our “uniqueness” is something we share!!! A conundrum, right?

We have lots of expressions using the word “heart”. Someone who is “heartless” is someone who’s cruel. We talk about sitting down and having a “heart-to-heart.” What does that mean? It means sitting down with each other resolved to speak with one another in all honesty. We talk about the “heart of the matter.” What does that mean? It means getting down to what really matters and what really matters, what’s truly important, is not the trappings of gender, religion, politics, sexuality, etc. What really matters is precisely what can be seen by the heart, not the eyes, the head, etc.

The human heart is such an amazing thing!! It enables us to see the things that are truly of consequence, without any disguise or camouflage. Through it, we can see another person’s pain and their joy and can even feel them as if they were our own. Our heart is where we resonate with the arts, music, dance, the highest expressions of what it means to be human. It is our most treasured gift!!! It is strong, yet fragile at the same time.

Please, let’s not take it for granted or leave it to atrophy for want of use! Let’s all resolve to exercise our heart as our “seeing” center and make this world more like the one we want for our children!