It took me a long, loooong time to come to understand, not only what my gifts are, but that I even had gifts. It took me a long time to realize that I even had a “me”. In fact, I can only “remember” much of my life through other people’s memories of it. As I listen to other members of my family talk about things we did or things that happened during my growing up, I can recognize them as part of my life, but there are many, many memories that are not truly my own.
The reason for this was that I lived my life constantly sweeping my environment for clues as to what I needed to do or be, in order to be loved or, at the very least, not abandoned. In a sense, I had separated myself from the experience of “me”. I wasn’t even aware of it; it was simply second nature for me. As a result, I got really good at it. Almost like a trapped animal, I had gnawed off the part of me that was the fully feeling, fully present, perfectly imperfect “me”.
I was to deny my “wholeness” for more than 50 years! In the end, though, I did come into my wholeness – it is the place where I am fully and wholly present. It feels pretty darn good here, too!! That’s why I have decided that this is where I choose to be, live, and bring my gifts to the table. I am ready to live in my honesty!